Good Form, Poor Form (June 2014)

POOR FORM to selfish parents who come up with ridiculous new-age names for their children just to be “different”. These poor kids will not appreciate the gesture; they will resent you for the rest of their lives.
          Milkshake-Poodlefart McGee, Frankston

POOR FORM to my arms. My wife won’t allow me to sleep on my back due to my snoring, but I find it impossible to get comfortable lying on my side due to these two unwieldy protuberances. I often wish I could detach my arms at the shoulder. I could store them under the bed and enjoy roly-poly freedom throughout the night.
Barry Humble, St.Andrews

GOOD FORM to our local vet for making a house call on a Sunday to clip old Raggedy-Anne’s claws. Poor thing was getting caught up in the rug. We really appreciate it.
          Grateful, Hastings

POOR FORM to my cruel son. It’s not my idea of a pleasant Mothers’ Day to have you and your degenerate veterinarian friend get rotten drunk on my sherry and then forcibly clip my toenails. Please don’t visit me next year.
Anne Krum, Hastings

POOR FORM to my husband and his infuriatingly impractical solutions to everything. When he’s not snoring the house down, he’s tossing and turning and moaning about his stupid non-detachable arms. If they were detachable, Barry, I can tell you they would not lie under the bed for long. I would take them out nightly and use them to clobber you senseless in your roly-poly sleep.
          Beryl Humble, St.Andrews

GOOD FORM to the wonderful Federal Budget. I haven’t felt this proud since we built the Death Star. Let the hatred flow through you!
Darth Vader, Dark Side

POOR FORM to our son, Milkshake-Poodlefart. Your mother and I sacrificed a great deal to raise you and little Banana. Things were tough for us, and neither of you have ever appreciated it. Why can’t you be more like your big brother Dan?
          Daniel and Sue McGee, Frankston

POOR FORM to my physiotherapist. If I needed someone to show me stick-figure drawings and treat me with disdain I’d have given the $165 dollars to my three-year-old.
          Gretel Vag, Mornington

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