Musings, Meanderings & Nonsense (April 2014)

THIS MONTH: “From Paris… with love”

This article is just a little spesh. I am writing to you from the city of lights, the city of lurve…the city of frog’s legs, which interestingly taste not too dissimilar to chicken thigh fillets. So what better way to end my trip by giving you a few PEARLs of wisdom about Paris, that one day might prove very useful…or not.

  1. The Parisians love their macaroons. Really love their macaroons. Paris could easily feed the entire population of the world one macaroon each with today’s stock. Everywhere I look there are macaroons…look over there, another shop that sells jelly bean colored macaroons. And over there too…wait…what’s that I see…oh yeah more macaroons. Don’t let their small size and ‘cute’ looks fool you, Macaroons are deadly, not only for your thighs but I imagine they are starting a ‘Planet of the Macaroons’ uprising any day now, there’s just too many.
  1. The city of love is not all it’s cracked up to be. City of Love = no singles exist within the city limits. It gets tiring when a young fabulous chick like me is subjected to the sight of seeing couples everywhere. French couples, old couples, too young to be a couple couples, couples holding hands, couples sliding their grotesquely salivated tongues together, couples gazing into each other’s eyes and baring their souls with one another. So be warned if you ever venture to Paris, make sure you bring sunglasses and ear plugs. The sunglasses will disguise your habitual eye rolling and the earplugs help to drown out the sounds of whispered declarations of love as you ride the metro. There might just be more couples in Paris than Macaroons…maybe…probably not.
  1. When you go to Paris, always dress as if you are going on a first date. Looking fantastic, but still casual enough that you can look good at any time of the day. Because the only people who wear tracksuit bottoms, low strung jeans and cardigans with cats printed on them are tourists. You don’t want to look a tourist, believe me. There is not a shop in Paris that sells clothes you can sit at home with, as you consume an entire carton of Sara Lee ice cream, whilst sobbing to the ending of Sleepless In Seattle, as you wipe your snotty face on your sleeve.
  1. Paris is not infested with rats, although you might be surprised…especially since you’ve seen so many of them in the street and scurrying around shopping centers. I will confirm that those are actually dogs. Very small particularly ugly dogs, they are everywhere, apparently Parisians love animals that look like an episode of the Ren and Stimpy show.

And lastly, and most importantly, gay men in Paris make Priscilla look straight, teenagers are still obnoxious toads no matter the city and coffee in France means espresso, don’t bloody think about ordering a soy half strength latte because you’ll get French slapped, which is like bitch slapped with a foreign accent.

Alexis Collier writes monthly for PEARL on whatever springs to mind really. If you’ve got any feedback about any of her columns, drop us a line on Facebook.