THIS MONTH: “Why was the internet created?” THE QUESTION FINALLY ANSWERED!”
“To bring together a network of information that people all over the globe could access and enjoy.”
“So lots of men could look at nudey pictures of surgically enhanced females.”
“To make breakups longer and harder because now we can stalk them on the Internet to catch up on their every move and happy selfies with their new girlfriend.”
Well, all of your possible answers are wrong. I am here to inform you of the true and fathomable reason as to why the Internet was created…
…To make a woman’s feet hurt less.
I know, you’re probably screaming out right this moment with exclamations of “WTF?” or “LOL!” or any other menial acronym to reduce word articulation by 80%. Don’t worry, I do it too, it’s a vice we all secretly enjoy. Nevertheless, this is the answer as to why the Internet was created.
You see, since the beginning of mankind women have rarely been able to make a decision without comparing. Cavewomen would wander through the different nomadic tribes and select a decent mate for her future offspring; she would compare men by their strength, ability to hunt and their balding patterns.
Women are continually comparing and weighing decisions, this gender stereotype is of course directly connected to shopping. When was the last time you, dear lady reader, went into a shop, looking for a swimsuit, or work outfit and selected the first thing you saw, and bought it? Nope, nope-ity, nope. You scoured the shop, tried a couple of things on, left the shop, went into the next shop, tried nothing on, went into another shop, completed this process three or four more times, returned to the first shop to the first outfit you tried on, and then instead of coming out of said shop with a swimsuit or work outfit, you bought a hat, matching bag, new stockings and a shoe horn.
The point is, after all of that, you are exhausted. A man looking for a scarf goes into a shop, sees a scarf, buys it in black because it will go with everything and then leaves the shop and doesn’t return to the shop until he needs new boxers. He doesn’t start analyzing if the scarf will go with his navy blue autumn season blazer.
And thus the Internet was born, women can compare shopping items by having twenty Internet explorer tabs open concurrently so they can purchase their wardrobe without gaining twenty blisters on their feet. The Internet has saved millions of shoulders from the pain of carrying heavy handbags full of aspirin, tampons and kitchen sinks. The ‘age of the internet’ has ensured women are free to um and ah for hours over a leopard print skirt valued at $67, whilst we lounge in our trackies, and no moody shop assistant is going to huff disapproval our way, or suggest we are wasting their precious precious time.
#truestory
Alexis Collier writes monthly for PEARL on whatever springs to mind really. If you’ve got any feedback about any of her columns, drop us a line on Facebook at www.facebook.com/pearlmagazine.
ALEXIS COLLIER