Musings, Meanderings & Nonsense (June 2014)

THIS MONTH: “Exposed: Mornington’s Cultural, Mildly Creepy Quirks”

If you are a local of Mornington there are a few things that you see every time you set foot onto Main Street. I suppose you can call them quirks, happenstance or community parallelism – It’s very likely I am now just throwing words in your face for no good reason – and I, very dutifully have written down a handful of these Main Street occurrences, because quite frankly I don’t have any decent hobbies or a social life.

There is rarely a time when you venture to the main hub of Mornington and you don’t see a classic car, they usually drive in packs. And if you do miss the Sunday line up of club cars parading themselves shamelessly up and down Main Street, then you’ll probably be greeted by the
deafening roars of a Harley Davidson flock, consisting of 50 year old mid-life crisis men – because they’re usually the only people who can afford Harleys, through legal means.

The stylish older man (STO) is a Mornington must have. Never have I perused the shops or grabbed a take away coffee without strolling past the STO. There is always one walking around Mornington during the daytime, they’re like non-playable characters on a PS3 game; they just pop up from time to time. The average STO is usually in his 60s, probably named Richard and wears boat shoes. Perhaps he has a funky yellow Swatch watch and appears as though he lives part time in Capri. It is the desire of most men to one day become ‘the STO’ but unfortunately only a few get to live the dream.

Of course you can’t enjoy a day in Mornington without a guest appearance from Mr Yappy. Now Mr Yappy is a term for a dog that is usually miniature in size, and ugly, and probably white. Technically scientists have labelled Mr Yappy, (or known by it’s owner as Susiewoozy, Sweet Cheeks, Missy or any other particularly annoying name) as a canine but I theorise these dogs are more like barking rat-ferret hybrids. These yappy pets are usually accompanied by a female who walks at an incredibly, unnaturally slow pace. Mr Yappy and his cohorts are continuously disturbing the peace of Main Street as they share their vocal chords at the sight of leaves, larger and more intelligent dogs, people under the age of 25, and dust usually sets them off also.

Whether it’s a shop, cafe or Post Office there’s always someone in there that you recognize. And I’m not talking about a chance encounter with a colleague, school friend or your hairdresser. I’m talking about a random stranger you always see ‘around’. As if there is some sort of cosmic joke that keeps bringing you together in unusual places, and makes both parties feel mildly uncomfortable when you see them in a coffee shop the day after they saw you buy your grandfather’s haemorrhoid cream. No one should ever see you buy haemorrhoid cream.

Alexis Collier writes monthly for PEARL on whatever springs to mind really. If you’ve got any feedback about any of her columns, drop us a line on Facebook at