THIS MONTH: “Your Horoscope Revealed… with Psychic Alexis”
This month is very special. I’ve decided to use my special ability to read the sensitive angles of the sun and stars to inform you of your monthly horoscopes. I will reveal insightful information of the experiences in store for each and every one of you. So please, join me on this ‘horoscopic’ experience.
ARIES
This month you will share a meal with a friend/family member/mean step mother/emotionally distant father/chatty school friend or someone you know, and that meal will consist of food.
TAURUS
Ah my bull headed friend. This month you will find yourself in a rut. Perhaps a metaphorical rut where you find difficulty in finding a solution to a first world problem. Or alternatively you drive over a pothole that momentarily forces your automobile to rev a little higher to evacuate said rut.
GEMINI
You will take a shower this month. It will be hot and soapy.
CANCER
A leaf will fall off a tree in your back garden. You will feel a strong emotional attachment to this leaf. It will remind you of the youth you have lost. Unless, of course, you live in an apartment, then I have no reading for you.
LEO
This month you will have a dream about an epic battle. It will either involve you having a dance off with Tom Jones, or attempting to win a hot dog eating contest. And the meaning of this dream? I’m not being paid enough for that.
VIRGO
If you feel the need to be soothed this month, try surrounding yourself with shades of tan and warm yellow. It will help, just like Lindsay Lohan’s last film – an erotic low budget thriller – helped her floundering acting career…oh wait.
LIBRA
You will encounter a dog this month. It may be your dog. It may be the neighbor’s dog. Or it could be a rabid dog chasing you down Canadian Bay Road with a thirst for your blood. The prediction, for some unknown reason, is a little blurry.
SCORPIO
This month a scorpion will not sting you. Good news right?
SAGITTARIUS
This month a scorpion will sting you. I suggest staying away from arid and exotic deserts.
CAPRICORN
Watch the latest season of Criminal Minds this month. It will improve your life. It will also make you suspicious of any male between the ages of 30-45 who lives alone, and has fond memories of his mother.
AQUARIUS
According to astrology-online.com, you are “friendly and humanitarian”, but also “unemotional and detached”. I think someone on the Internet doesn’t know the meaning of antonym.
PISCES
You will earn a bucket load of money this month. Marry a trophy wife/husband. Pop out a baby in three days and speak a language that can only be described as gibberish with an American accent. All of this will happen if you buy The Sims 3 on PC.
Alexis Collier writes monthly for PEARL on whatever springs to mind really. If you’ve got any feedback about any of her columns, drop us a line on Facebook at www.facebook.com/pearlmagazine.
ALEXIS COLLIER